Barbie Super Model
Reviewed by Amber
Finally, a game for girls. The game industry, for too long targeting boys,
takes a stab at capturing the lucrative and untapped female market. Not
a bad idea, but unfortunately, this game is trash. The theme of this lovely
adventure is that intrepid super model Barbie must make it to the studio
to learn her little dance number, and then go perform it on the catwalk,
all the while dodging hazards and playing a variety of fun sub-games. In
other words, it's a bad knock-off of some kind of game where you have to
run across a fairly static horizontal landscape and dodge things. That
sounds like about a million Atari 2600 games, doesn't it? The problem
is, the Atari games were at least fun.
Graphics: 2 out of 5
They're um... Barbie-ish, I guess. It's not that they're awful, they're pretty
much low-end Super NES quality. There's nothing that's going to jump out at you
as an outstanding visual, that's for sure. At least through the joy of palette
swapping-- the very same miracle that spawned Mortal Kombat's army of
ninjas, thank you very much-- we get to color-coordinate many a beautiful
outfit from Barbie's vast wardrobe. The problem is that gets boring and trite
after about 5 minutes, and we get plunged back into the game.
Music and Sound: 1 out of 5
What music? What sound? The idiotic little boops and beeps that pass
for music in this game are so utterly pointless that I couldn't even
remember one tune in the game. Usually any game has at least one
tune that manages to be catchy enough to stick in your mind. Shameful,
really. The sound is no better, just strange noises when Barbie picks up
one of the utterly senseless bonus objects.
Game Challenge: 1 out of 5
Mind-numbingly easy. It really, really is. Everything seems to be moving
in slow motion, including Barbie's sporty-looking car. Then you get to the
studio, where you get to memorize the sequence of buttons for Barbie's
little super modeling stint. It's like learning a combo in a fighting game,
only you get to do it in slow motion. About the only part of this game that
isn't mind-numbingly easy is the "Match Barbie with the magazine cover"
sub-game, which requires either a perfect photographic memory, or a good
deal of luck. I guess the designers of this game came to the conclusion that
pointlessly easy and impossibly difficult averaged out to just right.
Game Play-Fun: 1 out of 5
I could have much more fun with a Barbie doll. Or a real video game,
for that matter. Give me Killer Instinct for sequential button bashing,
anything Super Mario or Mega Man for some kind of real platform-hopping
challenge, and Tetris for puzzles that require quick thinking rather
than eidetic memory.
Frustration
It's frustrating how sheerly awful this game is. Anyone who enjoys
playing with Barbie dolls is going to be terribly disappointed in the
way this turned out, and anyone who doesn't is going to be so nauseated
by it that the fact that the game play is terrible won't even click.
Game Value: 1 out of 5
Don't buy it, don't rent it, don't even look at it. Unless you're a hardcore
Barbie freak, and in that case, spend the money on another doll-- you'll
have far more fun with that.
Nauseating Pink Glitz Factor: 5 out of 5
Ok, so I was prepared for this when I came into it, we are talking about
Barbie after all. But still, enough is enough. Personally, I think someone
slipped a red sock into her whites while she was doing the laundry, and
now has to come up with a cover story, but that's just me.
Overall: 1 out of 5
If this is the games industry's attempt to lure in more female gamers,
they're going to have to try again. First of all, try making a game that
isn't so incredibly lame and stupid-- the big name isn't going to carry it.
Just because Barbie's name is on this product doesn't make it any better,
sorry. The fact that there is a female lead isn't going to win any prizes
either. Yes, that's a rare thing, but if you're after that, try Super
Metroid-- which also happens to be a much, much, much (did I say
much?) better game. We all know that Samus could beat up Barbie any
day of the week, anyway; and if you've gotten the best ending of Super
Metroid, you know that the blonde bimbo has some serious competition
in the looks department, too. Stick to dolls, Barbie, and leave the games
for the real heroines.