Hydlide
Reviewed by Magic Emperor Ghaleon
For the love of god what is this? FCI has produced many games
(Heroes of the Lance to name one), some of which were at least
bearable. Unfortunately...or fortunately, whichever way you want
to look at it, they also have the...uhm...honor? of having made the
absolute worst video game ever to...uhm...grace? the video game
market. I am talking, of course, about Hydlide! The people who
worked on the mechanics of this game must have been as stoned
as stoned can be. Nobody in a rational state of mind, and I mean
nobody, could come up with something this bad, even if they were
on a quest to do just that. I just don't see what was so good about
this game, and nor am I the only one who holds this belief. The
gameplay is boring, the control is just plain horrible and the story
is absolute crap. The music...well...I'll go into more excruciating
detail when I get to that.
Music and Sound: 1 out of 10
What the hell is this!? We have four or five main songs. The password
screen theme (yes it uses a password system), sounds like Girls Just
Want to Have Fun by Cindy Lauper. The main theme is nothing more than
a horribly mutilated version of the classic Indiana Jones theme song
which loops every fifteen seconds...at the most. Then there's the little
song for the ending. It's just another Indiana Jones theme ripoff. Oh yeah,
and the forth song is just a much faster version of the main theme (this
is saying something). The theme for the one boss fight in the game isn't
much better. All these songs loop every fifteen seconds or so. The theme
for when our unfortunate hero dies is far too cheery...unless we're
supposed to be happy. Given the abominable control and music I'd be
pretty happy. The sounds, what few there are (there are four), are the
absolute worst of the NES. They sound like they'd be fitting in a game
where your goal was to take a dump. Sorry, but that's the first thing
that always comes to my mind when I hear these sounds.
Game Challenge: 10 out of 10
It's all in the dumb controls. The controls makes this game hard to
play due to its frustratingness.
Game Play-Fun: 1 out of 10
First,let's talk about actual gameplay. You run around and kill stuff
with your magic sword, getting nothing in return except a rare and
usually lame level-up. It might be bearable if not for the fact that
whether you're in a bright field or a dark and dreary cavern, the same
bouncy music plays over and over again with no relief. Please, no more!
Now to talk about that aspect of this game which is second only to the
music in the area of annoyingness. The control, if that's what you want
to call it, is absolutely abominable. The instruction manual says that
if you hold down A you're in Attack mode, while if you don't you're in
Defend mode. Then if you press B you cycle through magic. Hold B down
to select magic and then press A to use it...I think. You do all your
worthwhile damage in Attack mode, and you take major damage if
you get hit while you're in Attack mode. Also, you can't just swing
your sword once. You have to hold down the button and charge blindly
into your foes when they're moving away from you. This is hard to do,
and more often than not, it results in your untimely death and another
playing of that horrible death theme. That's about all that can be said
for control, except that the menu screen really stinks.
Replayability: 1 out of 10
Replay? This game? You got to be kidding!
Game Value: 1 out of 10
Stay away, dear friends. Do not subject thyself to such torture!
Story: 1 out of 10
So the kingdom of Fairyland (the fairy kingdom is called Tir Na Nog,
thank you), has lived in peace because three gems are sealed away in
some castle or other. One day some evil dude came and stole one of
the gems (should of had tighter security, eh?). This released an evil
demon dude who could not decide whether his name was Boralis or
Varalys. This demon dude stole the other gems and kidnapped princess
Ann (so what else is new). But wait! There's more! The demon dude
wasn't satisfied. He turned the princess chick into three fairies (boy
this is lame). With her last bit of strength she called on the only
person who could save her sorry ass, Sir Jim of the Disfunctional
Sword. Yep, you guessed it. Find the gems, find the fairies and kick
the demon's ass, or die in the attempt.
Overall: 1 out of 10
Stay away! This is the absolute worst game ever to hit video game
stores anywhere! Even Sony Playstation's Final Fantasy 8 had more
potential than this piece of trash!