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Conker's Bad Fur Day


Sent in by Joe Lee

Conker stares in amazement, wondering, "Ehh...Hello? What's going on here? Is this a joke?" He jumps out of his spacesuit and exclaims, "The game's locked up! Ha! I don't believe it! What is this? Is this the testing department's day off or something? Ha! Hmm...this gives me an idea."

He turns towards the "camera" and taps on the screen while saying, "Um, hello, eh, if there are any software engineers that can hear me, just, eh, type something in." On the bottom of the screen, somebody writes, "Hello." "Ah right, hello," Conker replies. "Right. Here's the plan. I won't tell anyone that there's been a lockup, quite a bad one at that, left in the game, if you will, say, I don't know. Help me out with this guy here. What do you say?" The guy writes, "Err...okay."

"Hmm...now, eh, get rid of this background. It's really grimy." The background becomes white while the guy types, "How's that?" "That's better," Conker says. "Uh...weapons maybe?" "No problem," types the guy as a rack of weapons rushes out a la The Matrix. "Wow! Cool!" Conker cries as he checks out the weapons. "Let's see now...uh...yeah...eh...no..." He pulls out a shotgun. "What about...oh...ho ho...yeah...that should do it. Heh...double action. Hmm..." He puts it away and sees something else that attracts his eyes. "Oh...oh...heh...you guys." We see what he was obsessing about: a katana sword. "Yeah! Right! Okay, take me back to, say, the throne room." The guy types, "Okay," and Conker is warped to the throne room.

"Cool," says Conker. "Now, Mr. Alien...let's see. Okay, let's get into position. Steady. Check the shot. There we go. Right. On my mark and not a moment sooner...Three...Two...One...and Action!" Everything unfreezes and the alien falls to the floor. He screeches, then looks around, apparently confused. Conker slices at his head with the katana, and the head comes right off. Greenish-Yellow blood starts spurting out. "Whoa!" cries Conker. "Ooh...oh no! That's a bit volatile. Oh well, clean that up later. Well, I suppose that's it. Anything else?"

A door at the end opens. "Who are these guys?" wonders Conker. Franky the Pitchfork (from the Barn Boys level) jumps out. "Oh, hello. It's you again." "Oh, well if it isn't Conker!" Franky exclaims. "How you doin', Mr. Squirrel? You have defeated the evil panther-type king." The tall and skinny guard comes out, saying, "Yes, we didn't like him either. In fact, there seems to be an empty throne." The short and fat guard comes out, saying, "Too bloody right there is. Come on, Conker, up on th' throne wi' ya." Conker seems reluctant. "What?" he asks. "But, ah, no, you don't understand. I don't really wanna be king. I..." A thought enters his mind. "Oh...oh no I forgot...I should have brought Berri back to life! Oh no!" He calls towards the screen. "Hello, programmer. Ah, they're gone!" The guards drag him towards the throne. "What are you doing?" he asks. "Get off!"

"It's okay," Franky says. "It'll be good. Here are the rest of the guys." Marvin the Mouse (also from Barn Boys) hops in. (He is covered with stitches, signifying that he had been stitched back together.) "Marvelous!" he cries. "Yeah. I like it here." A piece of cheese hops by. "Eh...ooh...cheese." The paint can and paintbrush (Franky's "friends") appear near the throne. "Hee hee heh heh," laughs the paintbrush. "You're king!" The paint can chuckled. "Huh huh! King! You couldn't be king of a toilet!" "Yeah," laughs the paintbrush. "king of a toilet! Heh heh!" "You don't know how close you are," scolds the paint can. "You realize that? You just do not know!" "Sorry," the paintbrush says, looking down. Rodent (from It's War!) comes in, exclaiming, "Oh, Conker, you're king! Who'd a thought that? Can..can I be your general? "Oh no," Conker says with great contempt. "Of all the people in the world that I don't like...and I'm in a room full of 'em." The lead female cog (from Bat's Tower) comes in, carrying the suitcase, saying, "I've heard the good news. We came back from holiday as soon as we could just to celebrate with you on this wonderful, momentous occasion!"

The tall and skinny guard places the crown on Conker's head. "There we go," he says. "The king is dead! Long live the king!" "Yeah," cries Franky. "Long live the king!" "Long live the king!" says the paint can. "Heh heh, long live the king!" says the paintbrush. "Will you stop repeating me?" the paint can yells, a bit peeved. "I'm not," the paintbrush explains. "I'm repeating him." "Long live the king," says the female cog. "Heh, yeah! Long live the king!" Rodent calls. The gang goes on to repeat "Long live the king" 9 times before dissolving to Conker's last monologue.

As the camera zooms in from the door to Conker's face, Conker explains, "So, there I am: King. King of all the land. And who'd a thought that? Heh. Not me. I guess you know who these guys are now, cause I certainly do, and I don't wanna know them. And yep, I may be king, and I have all the money in the world, and all the land, and all that stuff. But you know? I don't really think I want it. I just wanna go home...with Berri...and, I don't know, have a bottle of beer." He sighs. "It's not gonna happen. It's true what they say, the grass is always greener. And you don't really know what it is you have, until it's gone...gone...gone." At that last gone, Conker looks up and the screen fades and the credits plays to the sound of wind and depressing music.

After the credits, we see Conker in a now-empty Cock and Plucker with his crown on. He sighs. "So, what'll it be?" asks the bartender. "Um, scotch," Conker replies. "Single-malt. Speyside. No ice." "Hmm, a man of taste," the bartender says as he pulls the cork out of a bottle and pours it. "There you go." "Whoa, whoa there, cowboy," Conker says. "Keep it coming." "Hm," says the bartender as be pours more. After he finishes pouring, Conker instructs, "Oh, leave the bottle." "Yeah," says the bartender as he pushes the cup over. "Lookin' a bit down. What's the matter?" "Ah, you wouldn't believe it," Conker says. "Anyway, I don't wanna talk about it. I'll just drink this."

The screen fades out and we see Conker walking out of the Cock and Plucker in the rain. "Uh...doesn't look too good tonight," he exclaims, then walks off into the darkness. (The other way as in the beginning.) The screen fades back into the Nintendo 64 logo.